Contact
by artemis-nz
Summary: It had taken a while for them to come this far, but Hisoka was determined to see it through. Tsuzuki/Hisoka. Lemon.


It had taken a while to get this close.

Two nights ago, Hisoka's head had been pillowed on Tsuzuki's lap, the older Shinigami running his fingers through Hisoka's hair and humming quietly to himself. Hisoka had closed his eyes, allowing the gentle vibrations coming from Tsuzuki's chest to soothe him.

The journey had not been an easy one, for either of them. Certain barriers had had to be overcome – none of which had been simple.

The first – and in its own way the hardest – had been simple contact.

The day when Hisoka had voluntarily reached out to Tsuzuki, hesitantly brushing his hand against Tsuzuki's as they were walking together, had been a long time coming. Out of habit, Hisoka avoided physical contact whenever possible, often flinching away from even the smallest of touches, not wanting to be overwhelmed by the emotions of others. That Hisoka had touched Tsuzuki of his own volition, had continued to walk side by side as if nothing had happened, was enough to tell Tsuzuki that things had changed between them on a tangible level. Enough for Tsuzuki to know that this single moment, lasting no more than a second, underscored the fact that their relationship was no longer one that could be sustained without something more. Something Hisoka himself was asking for.

So Tsuzuki had looked at him wonderingly, and then Hisoka, by this time his hands back in his pockets and affecting a coldly nonchalant expression, had still felt the happiness rolling off his partner in waves. But that was the way of it, with Tsuzuki; sometimes Hisoka felt nothing at all (usually when Tsuzuki was trying to hide something, like the fact that he had skipped lunch and gone straight to dessert, or else when he was feeling alone), and other times Hisoka did not have to be within a few metres of the man to be aware of what Tsuzuki was feeling.

Some months back, Hisoka had decided that despite how it exasperated him, this inconsistency was part of Tsuzuki's charm.

From there, things had progressed a little more quickly.

There was kissing involved.

Strangely enough, this was something Hisoka had not minded. In fact, once he had gotten used to being so near Tsuzuki, gradually acclimatising himself to Tsuzuki's touch, Hisoka found the act of being kissed to be nowhere near as intrusive as he had assumed it would be. While the first time this had happened, Hisoka had simply forced himself to stay still and attempt to calm his suddenly violently beating heart, the act of kissing was something that had become much more enjoyable once he had gotten over his initial fearful reaction. After all, could someone who kissed like Tsuzuki did – slowly, lightly, warmly – really be in any way threatening? By the time Hisoka had started kissing Tsuzuki back, had come to terms with the way in which his body responded, both he and Tsuzuki knew it was time to take another small step forward.

Up until this point, things had not seemed overly complicated, however much time it took to achieve this kind of intimacy. It had therefore come as a terrible shock when Hisoka, who by his own insistence had taken things further, did not seem to be able to relax when it came to other kinds of touches.

They had been lying in bed together peacefully, naked, when Tsuzuki had begun to ghost his fingertips over Hisoka's skin. This was fine – more than fine, even, and Hisoka had felt secure enough to stop blushing incessantly whenever he caught Tsuzuki's eye – until the memories had made themselves heard. One moment they had been pressing against each other, Tsuzuki cupping one side of Hisoka's face and breathing his name into his shoulder, and the next, Hisoka had been completely unable to stop himself from shoving Tsuzuki roughly away, his body shuddering in panic. Worse still was the fact that he could not be sure exactly what it was that had set him off, what had happened to trigger an onslaught of images that he could no more block out than he could not breathe; Tsuzuki had done nothing that Hisoka had not been ready for. Yet it was some minutes before Hisoka could bear to be touched again even platonically by Tsuzuki.

"Don't- Don't look at me!", he had begged, head down to avoid Tsuzuki's concerned gaze, wrapping his arms around himself in a vain effort to both feel some measure of protection, and to hide the red marks that had flared to life over his skin. Ashamed at his weakness, guilty that he had once again made Tsuzuki worry, he had spent much of the rest of the night in Tsuzuki's arms, trying and failing to hold back his tears at being afraid when he knew he had no real reason to be. He had finally fallen asleep some hours later, his slim frame still trembling as Tsuzuki held him.

Yet it was not only Hisoka who had needed to overcome certain problems.

It had been obvious for some time that Tsuzuki wanted him, desired him, more than anything. Hisoka could hardly remain unaware what Tsuzuki was thinking when he looked at him sometimes; not whenTsuzuki craved Hisoka's touch with the same intensity he brought to everything concerning his younger partner. Worry, happiness, apprehension, relief… if Tsuzuki directed these feelings towards Hisoka, there was no need for words; the feelings alone carried more weight within them than a whole day's worth of Tsuzuki's chatter ever could, simply because Tsuzuki himself felt them so strongly – had done so ever since they had become more than merely work partners. Hisoka himself didn't quite know how Tsuzuki did it sometimes – was it not hard for Tsuzuki to restrain himself, keep himself so physically in check, whenever they were only kissing or chastely touching and Tsuzuki wanted more? Yet this Tsuzuki did, with a control that Hisoka could not help but be in awe of. Never had Tsuzuki overstepped the boundaries of what Hisoka felt was safe; not once had Tsuzuki been careless when it came to Hisoka's fragile but growing trust.

So when it finally came to Hisoka that he was ready, once more, to try and surrender his fears, he was taken aback at Tsuzuki's own uncertainty.

Hisoka had been trembling again, but this time not out of fear. Goosebumps arose wherever Tsuzuki touched, and Hisoka had been dimly aware that his own breathing was becoming heavier, flushes of warmth shooting their way all the up from his toes, his body pressing into Tsuzuki's instead of away from it as he began seeking stronger contact. It had all been going well, and there was an unfamiliar but strangely exciting pressure in his chest, and he leaned further in-

And then Tsuzuki had pulled away, his desire fading and being replaced by a kind of anxious confusion.

"Tsuzuki…?"

"I… I don't know if… you're, I mean, that you-"

It had taken a while to get Tsuzuki to spill it out, and Hisoka tried very hard to be patient (to have come so far!), as Tsuzuki fidgeted and mumbled and finally told him that he didn't want to take advantage of Hisoka when he… when his body was so…

"I'm not sixteen anymore, Tsuzuki."

"I know, but… 'Soka, it just seems so wrong sometimes, for me to love you so much when…"

It sometimes seemed as though Tsuzuki did not trust himself as much as Hisoka now trusted him. Even after Hisoka had reassured him, had tried to make Tsuzuki aware that Hisoka wanted this just as much as Tsuzuki did, Tsuzuki insisted that they continued to take things slowly, refusing to rush a single instant when they were together. Hisoka mused to himself about this, and came to the conclusion that he did not really mind, so long as Tsuzuki fully understood that their relationship was made up of an equal give and take. Hisoka needed Tsuzuki to know that he did not simply consent to Tsuzuki's affections, but rather reciprocated them.

He supposed it helped greatly that the pair of them did not tend to make plans when they were together. Tsuzuki wanted Hisoka to feel unpressured, and Hisoka wanted things to remain as natural as possible between them. Dinner at Hisoka's place did not always mean physical intimacy; an evening out at a restaurant did not necessarily result in Hisoka sleeping over at Tsuzuki's afterwards. Things had a habit of eventuating seemingly without any real interference from either of them, and this, they encouraged.

But when Hisoka wound up at Tsuzuki's place one night, a bottle of sake between them and a companionable silence taking hold, Hisoka found himself, once again, wanting.

The night was balmy, although not oppressively so. He had not had much to drink; Tsuzuki, despite having a few glassfuls, had remained entirely sober, and for his part, Hisoka refrained from having more than a few mouthfuls of the heated liquor, by now knowing full well his own limits. Still, he now felt a boldness stealing over him. The room did not spin; there was no dizziness at all, and his body was perfectly responsive. Yet he also felt a pleasant tingling, and from under the low table, his knee moved to brush against Tsuzuki's leg.

Tsuzuki did not need much persuasion to be guided upstairs, where Hisoka was able to tug him gently into the bedroom, not bothering to turn on the light. It was not disagreeable, but odd, that he should feel so lazy – lethargic, almost – when at the same time he felt hypersensitive to Tsuzuki's every movement. When Tsuzuki reached for him, his touch as gentle as it always was, Hisoka did not feel the need to ground himself, or otherwise adjust to the contact. Instead, vaguely surprised at his own daring, he leaned into Tsuzuki, murmuring his partner's name as he did so. Tsuzuki practically radiated his pleasure; glancing upwards, Hisoka could make out Tsuzuki's expression in the dimness, looking like he had just been given the biggest gift he could have ever hoped for in his lifetime. And knowing such a huge idiot as Tsuzuki, he probably had, Hisoka thought.

"'Soka…"

"Mm?"

But Tsuzuki had only been sighing his name for the sake of hearing it, and despite being so relaxed, Hisoka face heated up at the knowledge that even the act of saying his name brought Tsuzuki such apparent happiness. Disguising his embarrassment, Hisoka took the opportunity to unbutton Tsuzuki's shirt. Tsuzuki let him do it, and by the time Hisoka had pulled it from him, he was able to look Tsuzuki in the eye again without blushing.

Tsuzuki smiled at him. "I love you", he said, promptly destroying Hisoka's composure again.

"Idiot", he muttered, as Tsuzuki made short work of Hisoka's clothing, as well as the rest of his own.

Then they were both on the bed – Hisoka was not sure how or when – and Tsuzuki was calling Hisoka's name again as Hisoka buried his blushing in the crook of Tsuzuki's neck. His partner smelt sweet, like all that sugary food Tsuzuki enjoyed so much had somehow seeped into his very skin. Experimentally, Hisoka kissed and then nipped softly just below Tsuzuki's throat, and was rewarded when this action elicited a hushed but somehow urgent moan. Of its own accord, one of Hisoka's hands glided down, to stroke Tsuzuki's side and then rub insistently at his chest, enjoying the way in which Tsuzuki's body fought to keep still. He was aware he had whispered Tsuzuki's name only after he had done so, but this did not seem to matter as much as it should have; not when Tsuzuki was stroking him in return like that, not when Tsuzuki had moved to kiss the line of his jaw, _especially_ not when a hand was moving in slow but firm circles about his hips.

He must have given a gasp, because Tsuzuki drew back slightly.

"Are you-?"

"I'm fine, Tsuzuki, don't stop-!"

Once, he would have died of shame before voicing something like this aloud, and to Tsuzuki of all people. Now, he only wanted Tsuzuki to be near him again, to touch him more, closer, harder. He could not stop himself from shuddering with pleasure as Tsuzuki granted his wish, this time with more than just his hands. And perhaps he had gasped aloud again, or else said something else that any other time he would not have dreamed of saying, because suddenly Tsuzuki was not aside him but atop him, and kissing him in a way that Hisoka could not remember being kissed before. Then again, it was difficult to recall anything much of importance at this point. There were electric currents running through his body, and a nearly unbearable pressure growing somewhere below his abdomen.

"Tsuzuki, I- ahh!" Panting, now aware of a wetness that had bloomed his thighs, Hisoka could only nod his assent as Tsuzuki glanced at him questioningly before bearing down on his again, pressing their bodies tightly together. Tsuzuki was a heavy but not constricting weight on top of him; Hisoka knew that his own sudden inability to breathe had nothing to do with Tsuzuki's body drawing down on his chest, stomach, waist-

Then that other, harder part of their bodies met, and parted, and met again, and Hisoka made a sound halfway between a cry and a whimper. Tsuzuki responded in kind, his arousal evident in Hisoka's mind, and now it was becoming impossible to distinguish between what Hisoka felt, sensed, _needed_, and what Tsuzuki did. Whether Tsuzuki was aware of this, or whether he was becoming just as desperate as Hisoka felt, he increased the power of his body's rhythm until Hisoka was straining to meet him, their skin rapidly heating up against each other's.

And now Tsuzuki was saying something, but Hisoka didn't really understand or care what it was just as long as Tsuzuki continued to _move_ like that. He groaned something nonsensical in reply, grasping blindly at Tsuzuki as the older man removed his body from Hisoka's for a moment, fumbling somewhere to their left. Hisoka made up for the lost time when Tsuzuki leaned down on him again and rolled them over onto their side. Hisoka's fingers gripped Tsuzuki's shoulders, his back, as Tsuzuki, not without some trouble keeping his hands steady, began to rub some form of sticky substance around the base of Hisoka's spine, down and down until-

Hisoka's eyes widened as his hips gave an involuntary jerk upwards. "Tsu- Tsuzuki…" Gasping that single word out seemed like an accomplishment in itself as Tsuzuki's fingers entered him, the sensation both startling yet somehow gratifying. His body gave another sudden jolting spasm before Tsuzuki captured his lips again, kissing Hisoka deeply as, somewhere inside him, his fingers probed as gently as they were able. It was not quite an ache Hisoka now became conscious of, but an insistent throbbing, and although pleasant in its own way, he was also glad that Tsuzuki was distracting him from it; he was beginning to feel indescribably nervous, as if his mind understood what was about to take place even if his body, as yet, did not.

He had become almost used to this altogether new sensation by the time Tsuzuki removed his fingers completely. Hisoka yelped, not so much in pain as in surprise, the sound smothered against Tsuzuki's mouth. Tsuzuki lifted his head and whispered what Hisoka thought might have been an apology. Hisoka shook his head: _I'm alright. Don't worry._ He didn't think he had spoken out loud, but Tsuzuki must have gotten the message anyway, because the next second he was making Hisoka cry out again, wordlessly pleading for something that he was still unable to put a name to.

Yet of all the things he had expected, when the nameless _it_ finally arrived, it was not this.

Somewhere in the dark recesses of his mind, he had prepared himself for the worst; the hurt, the shame, even the instinctive revulsion, of his body being penetrated. The fact that this was not the case was a revelation that physically shook him. There was some pain; this, Hisoka quickly realised could not be avoided. Tsuzuki was looking at him again, with such acute concern in his gaze that Hisoka was moved by it.

"Tsuzuki…" he said, and took a breath, smiling through the discomfort. Tsuzuki's hand found and gripped one of Hisoka's own before his eyes shut, body pushed forwards.

The effect was immediate. The pain was still there, but it rapidly became far less noticeable as something else surged up to overtake it. Hisoka had not intended to push back, but the noise Tsuzuki made when he did, the feeling of something more than simply 'good' or even 'satisfying' building up from somewhere within Hisoka, made him want to push up again, harder this time. By the time Tsuzuki had found voice to growl out his pleasure, Hisoka was already beyond further thought. He had not, could not have imagined that being with anyone like this was capable of tipping him so completely over the edge.

He had been close to Tsuzuki before, had strongly felt and responded to an array of emotions that he was incapable of not feeling. But _this_. This was different. This was… more, far more, than he had ever experienced. It was thoughts and words and sounds and images tumbling over each other in an inescapable torrent, _HisokaTsuzukiHeatDesireMaddeningMore-_

He did not know where his own emotions stopped and Tsuzuki's began, was powerless to stop feeling them even had he wanted to. Only the rapid budding of _whateveritwas_ kept him aware enough of his body to continue to move, thrusting desperately as if chasing something, catching up to it, feeling it not quite within his grasp, then finally reaching it, frantically grasping at it until-

Until.

His head snapped back by the sheer force of it as he felt it fuse, his back arching uncontrollably. He was burning with it, with the exhilaration and release of what accompanied it, only vaguely aware that Tsuzuki – that something else existed outside the _They_ – had called his name. It seemed to echo for a long moment, time suspended, until Hisoka was able to register any other sound from over his – their – heartbeat.

Remembrance of breathing came back to him sometime after that, along with the realisation that his skin was sleek with perspiration. There was a lingering, musky kind of a smell as well, that seemed to emanate both of them.

Both. Hisoka hurriedly opened his eyes (at what point had he closed them?) at this thought, only then becoming fully conscious of Tsuzuki's form resting on top of him. Their hands were still clasped – strange, that Hisoka had not known this sooner.

"Tsuzuki…?"

Tsuzuki stirred, his eyes focusing to register Hisoka's expression. Hisoka wondered briefly what it was that Tsuzuki saw – was his face a mirror of Tsuzuki himself, lips parted in an effort to breathe, skin flushed with exertion, hair in disarray and clinging damply to moistened skin?

"Hisoka. Are you- did I-"

Hisoka realised he had been staring. "No. I'm alright. I'm…" He had no way of expressing what it was that he now felt, the resonance of everything else he had experienced still murmuring in his head, _PainPleasureEcstasy_, but he needed to let Tsuzuki know that he had wanted this, and regretted none of it.

"I'm with you", he said, settling for something simple, something he could articulate.

Hisoka didn't know it was possible for a single human being to feel so much joy. Tsuzuki's emotional response was almost overwhelming despite the magnitude of what had just occurred. His happiness was more than palpable; it was breathtaking in its honesty and completeness. It flooded through Tsuzuki and trickled down to reach Hisoka, whose eyes fluttered closed again as he felt it seep into him. _Warm._

With great care, Tsuzuki separated himself from Hisoka and lay down beside him, one arm still keeping the two in physical contact. Hisoka bore this separation in silence as the world came back to him in small pieces, restoring with it a sense of normalcy once more even as his mind, gradually emptying of the presence he had felt and loved and been one with, cried out, _Tsuzuki._ Having understood what it was like to join utterly with another person, it was difficult now not to mourn the absence of that feeling. To be divorced from Tsuzuki after what he had felt, even though he had gone every day without it until now, was something he had not anticipated.

"'Soka?" Tsuzuki kept his voice low.

"What?"

"I do love you, you know."

Despite himself, the corners of Hisoka's mouth turned upwards. "I do know." And perhaps, after all, this would be enough. _I love you too. Stay with me. Please._ He did not voice this aloud. Casting a fleeting look at Tsuzuki, he could see he did not need to. Tsuzuki understood, more than he himself probably knew. This was why, without saying anything at all, Tsuzuki did not remove his arm from where it was nestled across Hisoka's chest, his hand resting just above Hisoka's heart.

He had always known what Hisoka needed most, sometimes before Hisoka knew it himself.

"Um. Blanket", Tsuzuki said a few moments later, his voice drowsy, and Hisoka groped for the bed covers that had long since fallen to the floor. He let Tsuzuki gently tug them from him, who made sure to cover both of their quickly cooling bodies.

Sleep approached far more quickly than Hisoka had thought it would, given the circumstances. Drained beyond its usual limits, his body abruptly felt weighed down, like it was literally sinking into the blankets. He could make out Tsuzuki's mind following him there, cushioning his descent as only someone as foolishly caring as him would. He could do nothing but surrender himself entirely to this man, this idiot, bumbling, beautiful Shinigami, who loved him above and beyond what Hisoka was able to imagine.

Hisoka's last remainder of awareness – that Tsuzuki was whispering something embarrassingly sincere in his ear: _Next time, it'll be even better_ – slid past like water, and he did not know that his mouth opened to form a reply. _Impossible_. Tsuzuki's delighted chuckle slipped away unheard.


End file.
